Improbable M.D.: 15 Days

The older I get, the harder it is to write. I don't know what this is. I mean, certainly I'm pretty damn busy right now, and I don't have a lot of time to process stuff, let alone write. But it's not just that. Lately I've been feeling kind of selfish(secretive) about my interior life. I don't want to share right now. Sometimes sharing feels like asking - for permission, advice, assurance that everything will be ok - and I don't need any of those things right now. Like, if you want to tell me how I can get my giant puppy to stop treating my kids like chew toys, feel free to comment below. But mostly what I have to say is, "I'm content." The rest of it? I don't know. I feel like I just have to get up in the morning, do my best, and then go to bed at night. Wash, rinse, repeat. I don't really want to spend energy or time on what it all means, because actually, it probably doesn't mean anything.

So yes, my posts are going to probably sound more like news letters, at least until this passes. Probably the deepest thing I'm willing to share right now is how overwhelming humanity is in a big city. THERE ARE SO MANY OF US. Maybe that's what it is, why I'm so shhhhhhh? SO MANY PEOPLE. All of us with our own dramas, this cacophony of thoughts, opinions, tragedies. I take the dog for a walk, and there are strangers in a house with the door open, just watching the TV, and I am totally overwhelmed with the idea that they have all these things happening. Work, love, death, new babies. All of these stories. Just a few people sitting in one house, my intersection into their lives as tangential as you can make it, and I'm a little overwhelmed by the muchness of it.

I know that overwhelmed feeling is making it hard for me to reach out and make friends - there are too many variables in all these new stories. If I learned anything in Madison (and oh, I learned so much), it's that friendship is dangerous business and I need to use care in deciding who gets access to me and my family. I really miss being able to say, "I like you, let's be friends," but when I do that without considering how their stories could fuck with our story, it often ends badly. And right now, I'm reeeeeally loving our story, and I want to give it a chance to unfold, and have it's own drama, and not be subsumed by anyone else.

And like, I know that this is a hallmark of my declination into brittle old age, and it's probably cowardly, and I get it that my kids will bring people, and school will bring people, and so will my husband (I hope), and those are not things I will have a choice about. But oh, what a magical thing to be new, and have the option of leaving the future wide open. That's part of it, too. We have so many options, such a giant opportunity to create what we want in our lives. Temporary loneliness isn't a huge price to pay for that. And also, I have friends, although they aren't here, and they are wonderful. Can't even say that I'm lonely. That said, here are some things I'm happy to share...

School starts in 15 days.